SESSION 2 RECAP: When One MurderHobo Falls The Gods Just Make More (11 May 15)
And so it begins. Four fresh lumps entered the Muddy Cup just as Terrance & Phillip were making their pitch. “A huge chest heavy as all hell definitely stuffed full of gold and we are willing to share it” “We were helping a merchant transport it to Denethix”. “Treasure you say” chorused the new arrivals. An odd bunch of locals they were: a hunter, a tri-rancher, an elf and a fleshy chunk of fodder. After some negotiating the newly inflated group came to terms with T&P and prepared to depart.
West and into the sprawling lowland pine forest they went along a not often used trail. An hour or so later T/P & the Hobos arrived at the site of the ambush. The scene was two burning wagons, three dead guards and the shredded bodies of the merchant’s family. Nothing worth salvaging, well perhaps the metal from the wagons. MurderHobos will rob you blind. The Mocktars did not seem to concerned with covering their tracks. They went thatta way!
Further into the forest they pushed until they came to a rolling hill. Discovering a perfectly cut doorframe in the slope. They went in there! Into marching order did the MurderHobos and T&P plunge into the moktar lair. Treasure and heroism! Two by two over the undiscovered pit trap they went until the lucky fifth wave did it trigger. Ten meager feet into a sewage filled pit went Son-of-Dirt-Farmer and one of the, perhaps the last remaining, hippy elves fell into a pre-dug grave. With the party straddling the pit the learned that there was a guard and his trusty wolf await just down the other way. The ruckus caught their attention and they charged into the Hobos. The Hunter sprayed his guts all over the walls as the wolf eviscerated him with aplomb. After this senseless loss the party laid their vengeance upon the two beasts. Onward they pushed, no time to lament their loss.
Around the corner they went, into a guard chamber to find two ailing moktars lesions, sores and missing patches of fur healthy and observant they were not. Carved into mincemeat patties they were. Further into the cavern they went and through a door. What an amazing stench they discovered through that door, immediately the demi-humans became nauseous. Into the moktar filled (6) common room they entered. Even though the beasts seemed to have their very flesh melting from their bones they rose to the attack. Due to budget cuts, all that can be said Is that much blood was spilled. Three more Hobos were torn apart by radioactive moktars, see more in the tale of the tape. After the battle they discovered the source of the moktars sickness, the demi human nausea and the whereabouts of Humperdink the merchant that Terrance and Phillip did a piss poor job of protecting. A lump of “sick rock”, a chunk of highly radioactive yellow rock caused the first two. Onto Humperdink lets just say he was not happy to see T&P alive and well and immediately began to berate them. When one of the dwarves approached him he stuffed a piece of parchment into his hands and with his near dying breath, “fly, you fools fly!”
Corridor or door? They took the corridor; it went for 30 feet and ended in a lever in the downward position. The dwarves and the tinkerer approached to investigate. After a brief period of deliberation the tinkerer pushed up the lever…A steel plate shot out of the floor trimming poor Borak of his backside and then smashed him into the ceiling as its major magnetism kicked in. Metal armor is not all rainbows and lollipops. As Borak’s vital fluids dripped from above the rest of the party noted a passageway previously obscured by the magnetic plate. After an unusual display of problem solving the party dropped into the opening and found a stairway into the moktar treasure chamber.
Descending into a large and natural chamber the Hobos were greeted by the purple bloated corpse of the caravans final missing guard and just beyond was the long sought after “giant chest”. Unfortunately the DM must be rotten as two more hurdles fell from the ceiling just as the Hobos were about to grasp their reward. Vile crab spiders, a most excellent garrison as long as you feed them first. Arrows, stones, swords, clubs and rebar flew. Young Martin would have been pumped full of venom if the spiders fangs had not already passed through his fragile body. But who cares of loss when victory was finally in their hands? The chest was indeed packed full of gold, although this had been done by the moktars after they had bashed off the lock and tossed aside the sick rock, which was quickly killing them all, and filled it with their treasure. The chest was actually a lead box with a veneer to give it the appearance of a chest. To hide the true nature of it contents. Sick rock is as valuable as it is deadly.
Terry & Phil thought now would be the right time to get their cut of the gold that they “promised” from inside the chest. If only the MurderHobos had been a group of thinkers they would have concluded that T&P’s share would have been zero rather than the couple hundred gold they gave up. The chest during the time of their “protection” only contained sick rock.
Time moves on, and so do murderhobos. Out of the treasure chamber back into the common room and to the final unopened door right after they got the sick rock into the chest. Inside was a new worst smell ever and the moktar chief. He was in the final throws of radiation sickness. Chunks of flesh falling off him like a leper at a pogo convention. Fear not he was fueled by hate and found a way to rise to his feet and go down fighting. The Hobos made quick work of him leaving a mess of pulled pork on the floor. With this T&P did bid the Hobos adieu and hoped never to see them again. The feeling was mutual.
And victorious did the Hobos leave the moktar lair with a map, a clue, sick rock and a mound of gold bound for Denethix. Perhaps after a quick stop at the muddy cup to pick up some wayward companions to fortify their numbers. Who said murderhoboing was an easy business?
Join us again for session three, when we ask the questions:
Where is this map leading us?
Are we heroic yet?
Will level one increase my chances of living?
What is life in the big city like?
Tale of the Tape
8 more will never come home…
It was a bright and sunny day when one of the hippy elves and Son-of-Dirt-Farmer triggered a pit trap and fell to their dooms in a sewage filled pit.
Karma bit the hunter in the ass, well a big ole wolf did…
Ellen, the last of the hippy elves, was shredded by festering mocktar claws
Spaceman the triceratops rancher and Disco-sicko-weepa-saurus did not fair much better against the mocktars
Borak the dwarf met a squishy end with the flick of a switch, when it rains it pours.
Martin the apprentice priest was perforated by the fangs of a crab spider.
Loot
1- A heavy mother effing lead chest holding a nasty bit of sick rock
2- Gold necklace with a fist (approx. 50 gp)
3- 560 gp
4- 10 sp
5- Human sized splint mail
6- Spear
7- Longsword
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